LA Noir: Pete the Drug Dealer and A Naked Guy

Happenings on the LA Buses

So I was sitting on the subway the other night, chatting with Diego, who works at Universal Studios.  Diego got off at 7th Street and another kid sat down.  I glanced over and he started motioning for me to lean over, like he wanted to whisper something.  Umm...okay no.  I don't know you.  But he leaned forward anyway, "hey, I got some kush for sale."  Oh haha.  No, I'm good.  Then the best part happened.  See this guy was totally spaced and his pupils were HUGE!  He leaned back and sat a little awkwardly...and the rest went something like this:

Drug Dealer: "So what are you doing Friday night?"
Me: ...pause..."Oh, well, you know, I have finals next week, so I should probably study."
DD: "Oh yeah. So, uh, you go to that school down on Alameda?"
Me: "No, I'm at UCLA."
DD: "Oh, that one down on Alameda?"
Me: "Uh, no it's out by Santa Monica."
DD: "Oh yeah I think I heard of that."
Me: ...

Then the DD jumps up as his stop approaches.  And stares at me, deer caught in the headlights style with his huge pupils.  And he yells:

DD: "Hey you didn't take my number" - and he told me his number so slowly and deliberately, like I didn't speak English well and he was struggling with coherent thought -
        "it's 3 - 2 - 3 - 6 - 8 - 5 - xxxx.  And my names Pete!"

Then he literally ran off the train.  Thanks Pete.  Thanks, you just made my night a bit better.


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Just a few days later I had a pretty early final.  Walking through Westwood, the streets were mostly deserted.  I got up near campus and was stopped waiting to cross a street; a motorcycle cop was driving by.  And there was this man on the other side of the street, he looked a bit down-and-out.  As the cop drove past him, the man started banging his chest with his fists and yelling at him.  In like 3 seconds flat, the cop had his bike parked and his night stick whipped out.  The man's response was even faster, in 2 seconds he had taken off all his clothes, spread his arms and legs and leaned face forward against the brick wall.  And there I was just watching this entire sequence play out.  No one else was there, just me, the cop and the now naked guy.

LA Noir: Did I just get roofied?

Happenings on the LA Buses

No seriously.  For about 8 minutes, I really wondered.  I even came up with a plan...if I felt my legs go tingly, I would turn to the little old mexican lady sitting next to me, tell her "I've just eaten roofie ridden gum.  Please help." And pray she spoke english. 

Okay, here it is.  I'm not exactly sure why, but a few times since I've started riding the bus, some men have given me little packets of unopened chiclets.  Usually it goes something like this, a man sitting or standing near, leans over, smiles and hands me a pack of chiclets. "For you."  I love gum.  So yeah, I'm gonna smile, take the gum, open it and we'll each have a piece.  Sometimes, there's a little talking after, which no joke first question has on 3 different occasions been "You're Russian?"  "uh, haha, no, why do people think that?"  Usually, there's a bit of a language barrier, and that's about all to the story.  Time on the bus passes a little faster talking to someone, and I end up with a pack of chiclets, win win.  Except last week, I took some gum from this guy, and it was definitely an opened package.  I had this fleeting thought as I popped it in my mouth, remembering those horror stories elementary teachers tell around halloween to never take open candy from strangers when you're trick-or-treating, or ever.  I thought, oh wow, this gum was already opened, what did I just do.  No for real, I think I feel weird.  Oh no. Enter ridiculous, overanalyzed, neurotic stream of conscious here.  Short story long, the guy was in fact just being nice.  He gave me a piece of gum, that's it.  And, also, the little old mexican lady did speak english.

UPDATE: it's been hypothesized that maybe these dudes think I'm a Russian prostitute able to be bought with chiclets.  Fat chance.  I expect at least Mint Mojito Orbit before we can even talk.

More stories from the "underside" later.